We Need to Do Better for Parents

Child Care, Family Friendly Parks, and Making Space for Everyone - Outside

I got pretty lucky with where I am in my parenting and life journey. This is something I fully recognize. I was able to spend the first 3.5 years of my child’s life with them. But it was a lot. When they were two, I dropped them at a half-day forest school, partially for the socialization, but also partially for a break. Two-year-olds do not naturally have the ability to socialize. Parallel play is big at that age. But that also means that when there are not other children around (which without villages is most of the time) and you are parenting alone, you don’t have a ton of support systems.

If nothing else, this time has shown me two things. One - I am so grateful that I had this time with my child. But two - parenting is every inch harder than it should be, and we need to find more ways to support parents without making them pay out the nose for it.

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Sometimes when I’m doom scrolling on Instagram, I see posts of playgrounds and activities for kids in Europe that just make me soooo jealous. There are playgrounds, fenced in, sometimes with stuff available for the kids to play with, like bikes. But attached are these cafes. These playgrounds seem to take care of the parents and the kids at the same time. Peace of mind while the kids are playing, and a space for mom to sit down for a moment.

“In our evolutionary past, every child would have been raised in a multi-age playgroup of 6-8 siblings, cousins and friends. Starting at age 3, when children were weaned, they would begin spending the majority of their waking hours in these groups while the adults went out to forage. The older children provided informal care and supervision of the younger children and also helped to structure games and play, arbitrate fights, and provide comfort and reassurance. Most anthropologists agree that this was still fully compatible with the older children’s play and not at all a deprivation.”¹

Now, I’m fully aware that school, starting between ages 3-5 depending on where you are means that a fully multi-age playgroup is not particularly accessible in this day and age, especially when parents tend to sign their kids up for a variety of afterschool activities. But it seems to me that there ought to be some sort of afterschool version of the multi-age playgroup. My child gets some of this from their church school on Sundays, and it has taught them a lot of things that they don’t learn from kids the same age as them in their 3K class.

At the same time, between learning from the older kids, and also just becoming more independent, my child has finally reached the age where they can run off on a playground and just play with other kids. Taking my child to a playground has suddenly become much more relaxing than it was even four months ago.

But all of this has taught me that what I want more than anything is some version of that playground in Europe. A space where I can trust my kid to run around, that they can take risks in a safe way, that gets them outside rain or shine, and that allows me to have a moment to relax, talk to other parents, and have my cup of coffee or glass of wine in peace. Where my child can play and I can be myself, in community with other families.

It is easy to think that this exists in the U.S. but it doesn’t really. Playgrounds exist, but not all of them have a nice gate to keep your kid from running off into the street. (The one closest to our house has a large opening right out onto a busy street, and worse the opening is obstructed from view by a bathroom building. You cannot tell if your child is running out into the street if they run behind the bathroom building. It is a terrible layout. Fortunately, this playground is next on a list of playgrounds to be redesigned by the city.)

What about playing outside in all weathers? Well, we can do that, and we do do that. But… our child has no friends joining him in the rain. The parents who are willing and able to send their children to forest school are not always willing and able to join them in the rain. And of course, the city would never put up any form of rain shelter in public parks. That would promote homeless people using them! For shame! When my child was still quite young and I was walking everywhere to get them to nap, I started to note all of the things that would make it easier and more convenient to stay outside longer that didn’t exist. And almost every single one of those things doesn’t exist because the city wants to make it harder for homeless people to set up camp or sleep. Dare we even mention that there are other things besides worrying about where homeless people sleep that could help solve these issues! This is clearly a rant for another day - but it needs to be considered that intentionally making hostile architecture hurts more than just homeless individuals.

Making it easier for our children to spend time outdoors with free play, adding in individuals that our children can trust; That is the starting line. Childcare is so difficult because we have gotten to a point where we are always blaming mom if the child gets too much screen time. And yet, we’ve given moms no support system, so the overstimulated mom is now pulling out screens to get a minute to herself.

I struggled with this when my child was very young and it was just the two of us at home for a long stretch. If I didn’t get my shower in before my spouse left for work, I had to figure out how and when to shower, or I didn’t get one at all. And this is not an uncommon conundrum. I see it pop up in my local moms Facebook group. All moms want is just ONE shower where we are not listening to our children cry the whole time. A mom with a village to watch her child while she’s in the shower has that. My village that finally got me a shower with no crying? Sesame Street.

So, every time I contemplate where we’ve gone wrong, and what we really need, I come back to that playground in Europe with the cafes and the activities. To the idea of a welcoming outdoor space where children of all ages can just play. Where parents can be nearby. And maybe this is a pipe dream. But maybe it’s more possible than we think. Maybe having an outdoor space, staff to assist that are regular in the afternoons after school has let out, would make a place that anyone can go, covered by city or state funding. Something that is screen-free but allows parents to breathe. Is this a pipe dream? Or can something like this be built?

1. Elena Bridgers, Screens Are the Modern Village - by Elena Bridgers